Sir and I made it to the end! Yay! I think this post is going to be a fun post with gifs and stuff.

Okay, I’m kidding.

I guess I’m going to talk about how I’ve personally evolved these past couple of months. That’s sort of what this whole exercise was about for me: getting to know more about myself and my Sir through writing and contemplation.

And through these months, I have evolved beyond what I thought was possible. I’ve become less self-depreciating. I’ve stopped biting my nails completely. I figured out that puppy play is something that I actually consider as a reward. And so are clothespins on my nipples. I’ve gone to the first couple steps into subspace. I’ve felt what it’s like to be completely and utterly owned. And it all feels glorious.

A couple months ago, I would’ve had trouble calling myself a submissive. But I am a submissive. And I am proud to be one. I found strength in my submission. :)

I think I will never stop evolving. Actually, Sir and I will never stop. We’re not the sort of people to actually ever sit still! Our relationship has actually only grown with our list of kinks, teehee. I’m looking forward to years of devious fun with him and a love that I feel will never stop growing. :)

Well, let me go on a “Hey-look-I’m-such-a-smart-English-major” rant first. ;) I firmly believe that language is a way for us to actually process reality. How you call something is ultimately going to shape how you perceive it. It’s an ironic fact, because language can’t accurately define its own words, but that’s an essay for another day. Anyway, the names that we give things are very important. In an activity such as BDSM, where almost everything is wracked with symbolism, this becomes especially vital. I believe that the names that we give ourselves or that others give us are going to impact the way that we play in one way or another.

That being said, I think that titles are a way to reinforce the power exchange that goes on in BDSM and does help us shape the reality of our play. It helps emphasize what roles we choose to play and what works for us. For example, Daddies and little girls are probably going to have different experiences than dogs and their Owners, right? So yeah, I like titles and I find mine particularly lovely. :)

Sir calls me his little one most often. I love this because I do love feeling like I’m smaller (which I am, actually, physically, but the mental aspect is very important too!). But it also depends on what sort of mood he’s in that day. Often, I am his slut, sometimes I’m his fucktoy, and sometimes I do have the privilege to be his little doggie, et cetera. And the experiences that attach themselves to the different titles are sometimes wildly different.

Also, it took me a while to take Sir’s title more seriously, because it always kind of made me giggle. But over time, there was a sense of respect that attached itself to the word and I always thought of it with a capital letter from then on. And now I relish seeing his title that way, because even little things like him being a Dominant through his title makes me happy.

Well, Sir pretty much gives me the freedom to dress however I want, but I do have a sort of ritual now that I go through before I present myself for play. I take a shower, shave every part of my body under my neck, have breakfast, put on pretty underwear and an outfit that I think will render me pleasing for him. I also make sure that I go to the bathroom beforehand. Oh, and then I put on my collar. I do love preparing myself and dressing up to make myself pretty for him, like I’m making him happy before we even play. :) Mostly, my outfit is a flouncy skirt and a top. Sometimes I add socks or stockings. Sometimes, it’s a dress.

I guess it’s all about presenting myself, really. I make sure that I’m clean for his use. Shaving makes sure that I’m completely available (and vulnerable) without the distraction of hair.

Well, one of the first posts I made when I started this blog was about my hand-knit training collar! :) It totally tickled the knitting geek in me. And yes, I do consider it as a training collar, because according to Sir, it’s a symbol of how serious I am with this. I was quite anal with it and restarted several times, so it’s quite special. I still get tinglies every time I put it on.

I wonder if I should give Sir a hand-knit tie. Hmmmm…

I’m not sure if it counts, but I get a lot of tendencies to analyze literature in kinky terms. My English nerd self can’t really help it. :)

Sir and I have played in real life before, but as we are currently long-distance, we really have not much choice but to do a bit of online BDSM at the moment. It’s really no substitute to the real thing, but I have to admit that Sir and I did get into some pretty intense stuff, even if it was just over the webcam. It’s not at all a substitute, but it works on some level. :) Also, while I miss him terribly, the time we’re spending away from each other actually worked for us to learn more about the facets of BDSM before playing again in real life. We’ve opened up some incredible discussion this way.

Oh, but as to relationships which are purely online… I kind of dislike them, to be honest. There’s no goal. It’s just completely different to be dealing with flesh and blood than to interact through the internet. This is especially true with BDSM, because the physical sensations really can’t be felt as deeply online. At the end of the day, you’re dealing with some powerful, dark stuff and experiencing that in real life is something profound. Even now, I’m wishing I could just have my Sir with me all the time. And as he said, we’ll be together soon, so this doesn’t really apply to us at all.

I miss you, Sir.

I’m pretty open about talking about sex in general. I give unsolicited advice on sex toys to my friends often. I’m not sure how annoying that gets, but I still talk about it anyway. However, talking about sex isn’t the same as talking about my own personal kinks. I have given a friend a perspective about BDSM before, but I didn’t tell her that this was my own perspective. I can talk about kinks in an analytical point of view around people, but sharing my own experiences about it is another matter.

I think it’s very important to have like-minded people or people that you know will never judge you no matter what. I do have a friend or two who know I’m slightly kinky (after a drunken night, unfortunately), but because they don’t really understand the nature of D/s, I do try to keep it mum and just joke around it. I think it’s better that way anyway, since you never really know how non-like-minded people would react.

I can’t wait to have a couple kinky friends though. :) It would be so much fun!

A late post! I just got back from watching The King’s Speech. I loved it. You guys should watch it too.

Anyway…

Well, obviously, I’m not looking for a partner. Sir and I have been together for quite a while and I can’t really imagine him not being with me anymore. Kink has just made our relationship so much stronger. We’re both not really close to perfect, but we’ve managed to look through our imperfections and just enjoy being with each other. And we enjoy being with each other a hell of a lot. :)

But I guess maybe I can throw out some general stuff. I like geeky people. Also, people who can listen and understand, but can also talk back with substantial things to say. Someone whose jokes I get and could get mine. I like them generally older, please. Also, I do need someone I could lean on and that I feel could be there if I needed a bit of comfort. Lastly, I need someone who can accept me, for who I am, whoever that is. Definitely someone who can stand his ground next to my hurricane. :) Also, they have to be tall enough to reach shelves.

And have an appreciation for Doctor Who. Sir actually fulfills every bullet point… he’s working on the last one. ;)

This is going to sound like my post is a weird foil of Sir’s post for the day, but I think my perspective mainly shifted in regards to the more physical stuff, especially when it comes to receiving pain. I think Sir mentioned before that he had years of kinky fantasies that I didn’t share, so I really didn’t have a lot of ideas when it comes to BDSM activities, even though I did have a couple of rape fantasies when I was in puberty. So when we first played, the first thing I noticed was that I got more turned on with the D/s-type things more than the sadomasochistic ones.

I would even go as far as saying that I was deathly scared of any sort of pain. The first time that Sir ever slapped my butt (which was one of the first times we had sex, LOL), I think I even whined about it, even though it wasn’t really that bad. And the first time that I ever had clothespins on my nipples, I think it took me three whole badass seconds before I was whimpering and taking them off in panic.

As time went by, however, something strange happened in the circuitry of my odd human brain. I found myself wanting to prove my worth more and more for Sir and that included wanting to receive pain if he wanted me to. At the same time this was happening, a weird sort of switch flicked on inside me. Now, the clothespins on my nipples turn me on like crazy. It used to take a while for the endorphins to kick in, but now I get wet from the moment I feel them sting.

Of course, I also learned that there’s a divide from the pleasure-pain that one feels in comparison to the pain that you feel when you stub your toe. I think that was mainly where my fears came from in the first place. I classified all sorts of pain as “bad pain” when it really isn’t that simple. It’s not that I’m not scared of pain anymore. On the contrary, my heart still races every time I’m about to put those clothespins on. But I learned that the D/s element is really essential for the push that you need.

For example, today, Sir asked me what I would say if I received any sort of pain from him. I thanked him with a smile on my face. From the bottom of my sick, little heart, I totally meant it. :)

While vanilla relationships certainly could benefit a lot from good communication between couples, I think communication is way more important for kinky relationships. If you aren’t careful, then you could really do some damage to a person and your relationship with them. And I’m not only considering the physical stuff. BDSM deals with a lot of things that are sexy and deep and thrilling, but at the same time, you also get the feeling that you’re walking across a high wire. If you can’t establish a safety net with the person you’re playing with, then it becomes much more risky.

The amount of trust that kinky relationships require, I think, is more extensive than vanilla relationships. Getting into a submissive’s brain is almost a requirement, because you kind of have to know exactly where to push and where to pull back. From a submissive’s point of view, being able to trust someone with your vulnerabilities is part of what makes the experiences so freeing and profound. And because you are playing with someone’s vulnerability, a break of that trust could mean breaking a part of that person’s mental and/or emotional being sometimes. And you don’t want that to happen in a negative way.

I think my Sir said it better, though. He said something about people making a lot of false assumptions in vanilla relationships. The fact of the matter is, you can’t really afford to do this in a D/s relationship because of the risk involved. And the payout that comes with that risk going right. :)

I think it would definitely have to be The Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. Sir required me to read this when we were still starting out. It was probably the best thing I’ve read as a novice submissive, because it really severed the connection between submissiveness and weakness in my mind. I guess you could say that it taught me “the basics”. It definitely made me feel less weird about enjoying being submissive. It writes about the differences between fantasies and reality as well, which makes it a very eye-opening book. Also, it’s written in a style that makes you feel as though they were just sitting across the table from you, drinking coffee. :)

I’m not judging anyone. Hey, if you like what you like, then more power to you.

So, um, foot fetishes. What’s the appeal? I’ve always been queasy about feet, especially dirty feet. I mean, I get the humiliation appeal and I get weirdly turned on about boot-licking, but feet itself? Maybe not.

Also, furries. What’s up with people who want to have sex with fake animals?

Sir suggested being topped by a small, Asian girl. Pretty much someone who looks like me, really. I’m not sure why, but I get weirdly fascinated by the thought. Maybe it’s narcissism? I don’t know. See, this hits both notes. I’m curious about it and at the same time, I don’t understand it. :D

Actually, I had no clue what to write about. I’m pretty much curious about a hell of a lot of things about BDSM. And confused about a lot. I firmly believe that most kinky people are continually evolving in one way or another and the things that we’re curious about and don’t understand are probably going to face us one day. I mean, it might not happen to us directly, but we’ll encounter it. That’s part of the overall appeal, I guess. We get to experience nearly everything that life has to offer. :)

The thing that comes to mind right away is the rule that Sir established during our play sessions. I am not allowed to say anything self-depreciating. I’ve always been sort of insecure about my abilities and looks as a person. I don’t really often take compliments as they are and would rather focus on another one of my imperfections than anything. Ever since Sir and I started playing, I found that I’ve been more confident about myself in the vanilla world as well. Every time I think of putting myself down, I think about our rule and think otherwise. I think about how Sir wouldn’t want to possess me if I wasn’t something of value, teehee. I mean, he has good taste after all! ;) This thought has really done wonders for my confidence. :)

Also, kink definitely made me feel closer than ever to Sir. We started out as vanilla as can be and we had to go through a few bumps to actually get to the point where we are now. I think we were both a little scared about how it would affect our relationship at first. But, obviously, we now know that these fears are totally unfounded. One thing that surprised me is that every play session ends with me feeling more connected than ever with Sir. :) We also got to know each other better and get to share so much more of ourselves. And it ultimately only made our relationship more awesome.

I had a hard time coming up with something for this.

I’m usually the “what floats your boat” type of person and I firmly believe that as long as nothing in what you do is abusive to your partner, hurtful to other people or may be a cause of death, you go ahead and do what you need to do. Which I guess is why I have a beef with people in BDSM who think that there’s only one way to do things. Different things work for different people.

And I haven’t met a lot of kinky people IRL, but there are some Doms on Fetlife that really grind my gears. They’re mostly the ones who talk as though they could Dom any type of sub with their super awesome Dom abilities. I don’t know, they just come off as a bit abusive to me. I mean, you can’t really just dominate ANYONE. There’s a certain level of trust and intimacy that goes along with it, in my opinion.

And I really dislike dirty feet.

Otherwise, carry on with your business. :)

My Sir’s post was so very well-articulated that it made my knees weak, so go look at it. I share the same sentiments. And I think I’m an intelligence fetishist too. :)

Warning: There might be generalizations ahead. I guess this is only my own experience, but I kinda think it’s true for most as well. Submissives: We are not your fucking doormat. We are definitely not codependent or weak. On the contrary, codependent people drive me up the fucking wall. I have a friend who I want to cunt punt every time she talks about how she can’t live without her boyfriend every time they break up and she’s not even kinky, as far as I know.

The reason that we submit is that we know that this is what we love doing. We know that it feels right for us to actually be dominated. We don’t do this because we love being abused. (Okay, maybe a little. In the right context. ;) ) But we know that it is our responsibility to communicate anything that doesn’t feel right anymore and it is our Dominants’ responsibility to respect our limits and at the same time, keep on pushing. It is their responsibility to treat us in a way that makes us feel secure and loved. And if submitting to our Dominants makes us feel awesome, then it only means that we know what we want, not that we are weak. On the contrary, people who know exactly what they want are the strongest people in the world. :)

Oh, and remember, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Also, I am not a Satanist/occultist/virgin sacrificist. And I bet a lot of kinky people aren’t either. Although some might be, and that’s okay. :) Just not all of us. I just want to put that out there.

I haven’t had a lot of experience with this, but I can imagine that it would be kind of difficult for kinky little me to be active in the “scene” and go into the profession that I want. It’s especially hard since exhibitionism is one of my biggest kinks and I probably couldn’t give that up forever if I needed to. The job kind of requires me to be a role model not only to the work place, but also the community. I’m pretty sure if I get found out it would be a Very Very Bad Thing. I won’t go into more details about what job I want to go into here due to privacy matters. ;)

I also have issues with my culture and stuff, but that’s easy to disregard now. :)